Op-Ed
September 9, 2024
Conspiracy theories can seem ridiculous, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all enjoy them.
Why should QAnon and/or assorted insane people have all the fun?
In these trying times, all of us should be able to enjoy conspiracy theories that make us happy or maybe make us terrified.
All you need is a little imagination to soothe your soul.
Here a few of my current favorites. I don’t necessarily believe them, but I want them to be true and that’s all that matters:
The man behind the shooter: Of course Thomas Crooks, the man who shot at Donald Trump, did not work alone.
Think about it: Crooks is a young impressionable white guy whose search history included campaign events for both Joe Biden and Trump. Who has it out for both those guys and could inspire a lonely white kid?
The answer is pretty obvious: Mike Pence!
You try to hang a guy and you don’t think he’s going to want revenge? Not bloody likely.
I’m picturing Pence stroking a fluffy white cat.
Pence is bald. The cat was his wig.
Moms for Liberty. They claim to be conservative women dedicated to family values, but are they really?
Come on. They hosted Donald Trump the other day and you know what a great family guy/respecter of women he is.
No, there’s something weird going on here. Do they protest too much about child sex trafficking and gender changes?
What sort of liberty is it that they want?
Someone needs to check out the moaning coming from the basements at their conventions. There are naked tattooed women dancing around fires down there.
Single men with dogs. Who, after all, is more dogmatic than a man with a dog? Well, probably lots of people, but that’s not the point. Consider the bad rap that single women with cats have been getting. This is obviously a clever misdirection.
Children. Everyone knows children are evil.
What do children do?
They commit crimes and accuse other people. They say they didn’t do it (whatever it was). They call people names. They whine when they don’t get their way.
And, of course, they insist that only families with children should get their way.
There are politicians among us who are several children in a large coat.
A criminal conspiracy. The former president may seem like a patriotic citizen fighting for our rights, but in reality he’s a convicted felon who’s run a phony online college, cheated on taxes, abused women, disrespected the miliary, and lunched with racists. He’ll tell you anything you want to hear about abortion. If you pay him enough, he’ll do anything for you.
I know this sounds fanciful, but I choose to believe it.
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